Who Gets The China?

I am an adult over 50 and have raised 2 adult daughters. I have my own house and I am used to sleeping in an adult-sized bed most nights of the year. And yet when I visit my parents, I sleep in one of two twin beds in the “guest room.” 

Mind you, this was never anyone’s childhood bedroom. My parents moved to this house when they retired. This sweet, pink room with ruffly curtains and plastic bins of toys stuffed in the closet was the room the grandkids slept in. It houses the dollhouse and the creepy dolls wrapped in plastic waiting to be rescued and played with.

I know I am not alone in this. Many friends have funny stories about where they sleep when they visit in-laws and parents. Maybe it’s the couch, maybe it’s the teenage bedroom with football and AC/DC posters on the walls.  

Over the years, sleeping space needs have transitioned and this room has also become the primary guest room for my sister and I when we visit. If a spouse wants to visit too and we’d like to share a room, all kinds of room rearranging ensues. This is a pain for everyone, especially when C-PAP machines and full-sized oxygen concentrators are involved. (We affectionately call ours “Big Bertha”.)

Is it a big deal to sleep in a twin sized bed? If I’m honest, kind of. They are small. You forget how small. And especially for 6 foot tall husbands and grandsons. I hate to be high-maintenance (well, I sort of hate it) but if I am going to visit and be helpful for 10 days, it’s nice to sleep comfortably. 

After mulling this over for months, I finally worked up the nerve to suggest swapping out the 2 twins for a queen so that visiting adults can be comfortable. Why was this so hard to broach? I have no idea, but it was. But I did it. I have learned that change takes several rounds of conversations in my family. 

Change takes time – more so now than ever before

You can’t just suggest a change and then expect it to happen. There must be processing time. Time to manage all the “But what if…” conversations. Time to stress about who, how and when this change might possibly take place! Sound familiar?

“But what about the grandkids!? Would they have to share one big bed when they visit?! But would they sleep on a blow up mattress?! We can’t possibly inconvenience them!” was the refrain for several months.

Here are my steps for “dramatic change”:

• Step One: Toss the idea into the air and let it steep for at least 6 – 12 months.
  • Provide reassurance that all would be okay if this radical change took hold.
  • Listen calmly to all manner of excuses as to why this is crazy talk.
• Step Two: Another 6 months (October) later, buy an IKEA bed online and have it delivered when you are there.
  • Assembly plans get foiled by the dog becoming critically injured, but the bed is ready when you are.
  • Have lots of discussion and debate with parents about why this is desired and what will possibly happen with the old mattresses?
  • Stall out. Now the holidays are nigh and we can’t possibly make this change now with visitors coming in 2 months.
• Step Three: Visit a few months later (December) and the bed frame is still in a box in the garage.
  • Mother still struggling to understand why this is necessary.
  • She has borrowed several air mattresses from neighbors, just in case.
  • How will assembly happen? How will mattresses arrive? Can we just return this frame and stick to the status quo? (No.)
• Step Four: Remind yourself that if you want change to happen, you are the agent that will make it possible.
  • You are a fully functioning adult. You are not 12 and don’t have to sleep in a kid’s bed.
  • You can purchase and assemble an IKEA bed and arrange for a mattress delivery. Yes, you can!
• Step Five: Be kind to yourself: change is hard.
  • If you are lucky, by March time this bed may be assembled and you can finally sleep in a big-girl bed when you visit your parents.
  • It’s okay. Good sleep is self-care and for many of us, this is hard.

Get Your Own Needs Met

This idea of getting our own needs while acting as a caregiver for our parents is on my mind a lot. Why is getting our own needs met so hard? So what if my mother thinks it’s crazy? I can let her think it’s ridiculous/high-maintenance/not necessary but still make it happen so I am taking better care of myself. 

This idea of getting our own needs while acting as a caregiver for our parents is on my mind a lot. Why is getting our own needs met so hard?

Partially, it’s hard because we’re challenging long-standing family dynamics and this is always hard. Putting oneself in the role of household change-maker is not the way it’s always been done and it feels odd for everyone. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still try to make changes that will benefit you, even if it’s difficult for parents to understand.