Does a variation of this to-do list feel familiar?
Review latest medication changes and fill one month’s worth of impossible-to-open pill sorters and hope they don’t fly all over the floor
Set up 3 or 4 doctor’s appointment, hoping none are virtual
Find a new dentist after the last one recommended pulling all teeth and going with dentures
Change all lightbulbs and smoke detectors that require ladders
Donate – anything at all – to the thrift store
This brings me to a topic I have been thinking a lot about: Quality Time vs. Productive Time
At some point along your parents’ “longevity journey” 😉 you may notice a shift in the way you spend time with your parents. You are spending less time enjoying each other’s company and doing fun things, and more task-oriented, get-stuff-done time.
Before becoming a writer, I had a successful career in global ad agency account management. This requires a superhuman capacity for getting shit done; keeping hundreds of balls in the air; and motivating a team of people around the world to help you do that. I was great at it and still excel at the blocking and tackling required to cross things off your list. Sometimes it feels like we need to call on these skills to support our aging loved ones.
I see “Productive Time” as planning, get-it-done time for the things you can or need to do to help your parents.
My sister and I have a shared iCloud Note where we track all the things we think should get done from updating trusts to changing lightbulbs so our parents can live in their home as long and as safely as possible.
Sometimes technology is a culprit: logins and passwords start to take an outsized influence in your life. Or a flashing red icon ready to hatch a virus kicks off on the laptop home screen and you are in full-on activation mode to protect your parents from a hacker on the other side of the globe.
Sometimes it looks like a “clutter reduction initiative,” as I will continue to document here for some comic relief. Or you and your daughter have spent the last day of your visit creating a healthcare binder and medication chart that your parent may or may not ever refer to again. But you want to be helpful. You want them to be safe, healthy and happy.
Productive time can rob you of quality time
For me, Quality Time is time spent together, maybe sharing stories or cooking or shopping or walking or hitting golf balls. It’s time with no required outcome.
All of a sudden the scales start to tip and rather than spending time walking on the beach, going through old family slides or digging up ancestors on the web, you are focussed on getting shit done. Things that need to get done like advanced directives and updates to a 25 year old trust.
I have discovered that I need to be intentional about preserving quality time. When I visit my parents, what do I want to spend some time doing? What do I want to ask? What do I want to know more about? This is when you learn juicy little tidbits of family lore, like who was married before and you never knew it!
For instance, I recently read The Women by Kristin Hannah and it renewed my interest in the Vietnam War. I had an uncle who fought in Vietnam and my husband’s uncle died in combat there. When I mentioned the book to my mom, she mentioned that she had a stack of letters her brother wrote to my grandmother from his time there. Wow! I was captivated to think that these still existed (well, of course they do when your mom saves carbon paper from the ‘80s). I want to dig them up and read what he had to say. Learning more about this part of my family history is what I would call Quality Time.
Have I done this? No. We keep getting caught up in taking toxic garage chemicals to the dump and other (arguably productive) tasks.
I surveyed my amazing network of aging experts and came up with 10 strategies for maximizing Quality Time spent with older parents. Here goes:
Set reasonable expectations (HA!) for what you can and need to get done. My list is always too long. Instead of trying to tackle 10 tasks, pick the top 1 or 3 for your next visit. You’ll feel better about what you accomplish and allow some down time.
Schedule quality time first. Make a quality time activity the first item on your list, that way you are sure it gets done. Is it a walk in the woods? A manicure? A museum visit? Get that on the calendar so it’s locked in first. The other things can fit in around it.
Schedule stand-alone “dates” that are just about being together. Depending on what your parents like to do and how mobile they are, set up time outside the house to a restaurant, museum, or park. Often, changing the location is a great way to change the dynamic.
A friend who cares for two parents who live with her, both in wheelchairs, makes the effort to go out for a meal – no easy logistical feat. But it gives everyone something to look forward to, provides time for fun chatter, and takes the burden off of her and her husband to cook and clean up. (More on the comedies of dining out with aging parents in a future article!)
Ask your parents what they WANT help with ahead of time. I have worked hard to get better at this and I still have a lot of room for improvement. I now ask for a list ahead of time of what things they want help with – not just what we want them to do. If I am only foisting my agenda on her, I overhear her telling her friends on the phone “My daughter is here and she is forcing me to do Swedish Death Cleaning.” I mean, she’s not entirely wrong but how many blenders does she really need?
Don’t save tasks for the last 10 minutes or the last day of a visit. I do this every time. I have a significant task that doesn’t get done and now needs doing the morning I need to fly home, like burying the dog’s ashes or giving away an old grill on Facebook Marketplace.) Why does this happen? 1. My mom springs it on me last minute -see number 6, or 2. I didn’t plan and prioritize well. Now I am cleaning the trash cans when we are tired, anxious about departing and feeling a little bit emo about heading home. Schedule the icky tasks early or midway through a visit.
Create a shared project. Having shared creative projects builds connection. My mom is an amazing sewist (as evidenced by the range of sewing machines in the house and the robust fabric stash!) Projects don’t have to be complicated. Last time we sewed pieces of her fabric stash into simple travel shoe bags and I gave them to delighted friends as gifts.
Honor time and energy limitations. In some cases, older parents have less energy than they used to, or than we do. While you might be able to clean the garage for 5 hours or clean an entire closet in one session, that is often too much. People get testy and cranky and then it’s an unpleasant situation. Don’t overdo it. If you get through one box of old photos, maybe that’s enough and it’s time for tea.
If possible, schedule more frequent, shorter “productive” visits and go off-schedule for fun or surprise visits. These can encourage times of fun and relaxed chit chat.
Shake up the “usual” to make it a little more fun. If you want to get your parents out for a walk and some exercise, can you go somewhere different? Need groceries? Explore a new market or a gourmet grocery or stop for frozen yogurt on the way home.
Just let it go. My mom likes to say “when I go, just bring in a dumpster and haul it all away!” Maybe she’s onto something. Maybe everything doesn’t need to be perfectly organized and executed…Naaaa, that’s never going to happen for me. But I can try.
I’d love to hear what works for you so please drop a comment below! Together, we can save our sanity AND successfully support our aging parents.
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